Alid Misli

There’s so much things to say that I hesitate to confront to you. The more I utter the more damage your soul gets. By heart I really would love to empty this cerebration of pain inside my mind. Being sorry for myself, feeling stupid, integrated with the feeling ‘I miss you’ each and everyday kinda leap into the breach. Like most broken heart do, they still want to live in this world. Day by day we begin with a smile, but at the end of each day we do get the sorrow moment too. Feeling lonely and numb is all i can describe my moment now. Where should I go while I still need you? Yeap having these feeling right now, but being in denial silently as i must be can be ironic too.. yes, isn’t that ironic? I miss you, but why bother. You’ve return everything, and everything that been returned hurts me badly. So dear iPod, play the heartbroken music for me please.

I decided not to blog about the event that I got into during the new year eve. And I’m sorry for the delay updates too. As you all visitor know too that, my website is hardly accessible do to the error database. The reason is, my current web hosting is currently doing their major maintenance on their server. And unluckily for me, my database server is the 3rd on their order maintenance.

Hey since this is like the 2nd week of my ‘back to university’ life, let say a few things on it:

Darn:
1) I got eight subjects, including two electives. Wanted to drop one elective, but a friend of mine kinda disagree of my absent as the person would not have a partner, hehe. But I’m cool with that since she’s my friend LOL.
2) I can’t take Philosophy as an elective because it’s meant to be for the Degree scholar only; haha kinda silly for me pressuring Dr. Loo about it (since last year). Trivia: almost all the foundation lecturers know about it. I’m kinda close with the lecturers in that department. Seriously, the five of them in that department are so sporting, cool and friendly. But don’t mis- concept me with them, they are still who they are; my lecturers.
3) Really wanted to take the Dancing and music course because it guaranteed will be fun with humor and laughter with 60+ students in it. But since it was schedule on Tuesday, I decided not to be part of it. So I end up with Pelajaran Jasmani (Sport Study), which I should not go further commenting on it and I leave with you with this confuse smile :s to think what I should have written .
4) My assignments = A lot = Confusing.
5) Tutorial class arrangement can make you go crazy~

Wonderful:
1) I’m back with SPANISH! oh oh yeah I got a lot of new faces and seriously I’m trying to make new friends. But the silly thing is that spending about more then 30 minutes in the class with them and Dr. Paolo last time, at the end of the class I’ve forgotten to get Dr. Paolo signature for my green form. Oyeah I think I lost a lot of my Spanish vocab after 1 year of break from Spanish and damn their English so damn terrific. Pathetically I’m the only slow learner and the only Diploma around. I feel so small. but still cute haha.
2) Being with the Crazy people, oh you guys know who you are. So yeah, I’m seriously please and happy to meet them again. Its fun to annoyed and tease them again.
3) Lectures? meow.. If i could easily select which lecturers that I wish to be taught by; it would be splendid. I can only say ‘hi’ when ever I see them. But seriously those great past lectures I’m sure gonna miss. What I’m trying to say is I’m happy to see them working and being in the same roof LOL. Really would love to mention their name now. But maybe next time.
4) I’m free on Tuesday.

OK enough bout Uni. Lets talk about Tennis. TENNIS IS BACK BABY!

Darn I missed Nole (Novak Djokovic) last three games, because I was so caught up back with this uni life. Even my BOJ “doa selamat” i forgot to attend too. I did catch up with his game (round 4) with Leyton Hewitt (Aus). Nole won the game (7-5, 6-3, 6-3). His next game is tomorrow (Quarter final), but I will miss the game, as Ill be at UBD being a good boy. But hopefully he will do great on the match with David Ferrer from Spain, and win it. He got a new racket by Adidas (sponsor). Will post about it next time. Haven”t yet got time to upload it. Oyeah talking about tennis, when I saw the tennis court at UBD Arena, my body was gone “WOW”. try to imagine that LOL. Oyeah novak swear a lot during that game haha. not in Serbians but In English he said. I quote from the interview just after his win with Leyton “How come every time I swear it shows on the big screen?” THAT is so humor. I mean with his other saying that is. His really an entertainer beside a great sport player. You can catch the interview here.
By the way.. StarSport live caption is also not live.. haha whats thats sepose to mean? It lags about less then 2 minutes. Next time I try to make an official lag-delay time.
Airmails:
Hmm I’m currently impatient about something that I wish it could be arriving now or sooner. Thats for the 1st goods. The 2nd Goods that are also coming my way. ARE my THREE SPANISH BOOKS!! My only blood line brother Abdul Wafi bin Misli, had send THREE yes THREE not ONE book to me. But he forgot to record it. So hopefully it wont get lost. I think two dictionaries books and one phrase book I guess. Can’t really remember. Actually I ask him to buy those books, but I was just being silly, a baby; just to kill my boredness while I was passing that order to him. Oyeah his planing to get his master, but he was thinking if his gonna be away for his master he’ll be so afraid that I’ll be playing and damage his machines. So his thinking to give me a Desktop Computer (Dell) with 15 inch LCD. HEY thats just like my laptop wide tu eh lol.

(8:11 PM) OnE more exam..:	kalau ku sambung master wah.. habis barang ku kau main tu eh
(8:11 PM) OnE more exam..:	lawa2 lagi barang ku ani hehe
(8:11 PM) Alid Nuo Misli [:	hahah yatah bah!!!
(8:11 PM) Alid Nuo Misli [:	karang rosak lagi mcm yang dulu hahah
(8:12 PM) Alid Nuo Misli [:	nie ampai2 masih ah hahahaha
(8:12 PM) OnE more exam..:	hishh.. pakai desktop dell lama kau eh..yang 15 inch lcdny

We also chat about my case of pursuing a degree in UK. Yet just another dream. 4 yrs at Bath Spa University. Doing BA Int. education there. Worth of fee including allowance some what BND$150,000.00 total. WHERE CAN I GET THAT? If only there is a scholarship for someone like me, not smart, didn’t excel during A levels, with Insyaallah a Diploma in Primary education next year, but have a strong ambitious passion in pursuing the dream? Look, I seriously would love to continue my education and end up with a degree in my life or further even a PhD, and hey maybe I end up being a lecturer too, why not? even better a science/philosophy lecturer lol. So yeah sometime I wonder for the richest all around the world, I mean seriously with their huge lot tremendous sum of money own, wouldn’t it nice if I could ask them help (donate me) for a scholarship with that amount LOL haha. As I said they are rich. 150K is like the water coming out from the pipe. LOL What did I just said? :S But yeah, hopefully Dear Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres could hear my voice, and can fulfilled my dream. But I guess they have better plans with their money haha. Oyeah my beloved brother was so sportive that night too, he ask me to do sport education and teaching education which err I’ll think about it. I really like my 1st option. Oyeah talking about my Brother, My eldest sister will be coming in march! yeah! gosh how many times should I mention it on my blog. :S oyeah she got an apple iTouch. jelous ku tu!

Hmm.. I guess that all for now.. I have nothing much to say anymore.. I need to sleep.

Fiasco: a complete and ignominious failure.

I love that word, got it from the 1st day of 2008. I wanted to share an experience on the last day of 2007. It was fun, crazy and a shocker or you can say a little bit of culture shock I guess. I leave it for a while; I also haven’t uploaded the picture yet.

The things that concern me most right now is the thing that I see, hear & believe. As some of my closest known me best, I don’t literally have a life now, especially once upon a time after the A level era and the break up, which is understood that it was just a rebound from my past enchantment. Things get slower this days for me and yeah I don’t have these dramas occupied my life. You can say I’m lonely and lame, but thats how things are now, some times we can’t actually control our daily basis of happiness, busy-ness and other social matters that comes and play into our life. This phenomena is a process of getting old? I don’t really know, but I can accept it right now thow.

For a year plus, I can only hear and listen and give advices to my beloved friends. But running it for a year, some friends has notice that I don’t share adequate replies and also shared them a few stories on behalf of my life. Cognitively I do aware from the beginning of these phase. Thats the reason why I have built this Philosophy of Zenith Empire, as the stories of my life; thus it can seem to prove me that I still do have a life too while I take and listen to most what they ( people surrounding me) have to say. Basically I’m a fiasco, in the world of Love, I have lost the meaning of it for the opposite sex. But seriously, I’m not gay or what, bare in mind I just need a long time off, after giving a lot of love it in the past with ends with failure; I can’t seems to open my heart again to another XX chromosome.

My family is basically normal, so I won’t to talk about them in this post. What I really want to reflect is my own friendship network. I’m not talking about Friendster or Facebook, No.. No.. No.., that would be piratically silly. I’ve been there for my friends, far and close, and after one year devoted to it, I just realize that its their life not mine. Gosh I must be obsesses with this life that I wish I can fix and control their life to be idealistic from my own preference. God that’s so gay. sigh

Some of my friends are good with their life, some are crazy, some are practically insane. In friendship networks there’ll always be individual. Individual with different characteristic, interest and style. They’ll be the arrogant, the obnoxious, the comedian, the easily influence, the sexy?, the shy or the demur, the drama and yeah not to forget me, the loudness, emotional and and can easily overreact. With these characteristics, it also mean that I am the type of person that really care and faithful for those who I basically love. Weird, but then I was born to be like this, this i have no question about it but to accept it.

As Friendship goes wider; the bond are also in a critical condition; which, it can be stronger or vice versa. For the strong, it will be the most sensational concern. While the weak, it shall be cast aside.

As a friend is in trouble or sick, you’ll automatically put in heart to feel sorry and concern about them “too gay to be true”. How about the cases or a tragedy of an worst event that locked up into their life? I’m sure, you tried everything that is possible to help them at most immediate. This will bring me to the real scenario..

The 1st day of 2008, was the saddest day to begin a year. To believe or not too believe? I choose to believe. When a friend that you spend quite good or rather great in some chapter in your life had confessed that they did outrageous crazy doing, that is not socially accepted, in most country; totally unaccepted in our religion belief and also will condemning the integrity of social aspect as to family relationship and love relationship would be in such chaos if it is to be found out and revealed.

Such questions rises about this friend of mine, and I wonder why did he confessed to a large scale in London. And I wonder why! did he wanted to tell me either. So it’s kinda having a psychological reason behind this. But which one is the reason? Is it because his too proud of it for indulging the chemically process food? or confessing to reduce the feeling of guiltiness inside his stomach? But then again, at the end of the day I was really thankful for his sincere on telling me for it? I don’t know why but I just really grateful to know it too. Maybe because I have a chance to scold him, but sadly it’s not effective at all.

Want to really know whats running inside my brain? SHOCK, DISAPPOINTED, SADNESS, ANGER and NUMB. I was shock for the news, I was disappointed by the confession, too sad to be true, Angry to believe, Angry to my self not to be able to do anything, Angry not to be there to save the day (haha as if), and being numb while having the conversation.

For a night, I’ve tried to search anything useful over the net and ask a friend of mine, Razy, what to do in this situation and case (haha his crazy he thought it was me, mentil anak tu :S.. but I just told him just a friend of mine), and sadly, I found it but I can’t do anything.. I just need to wait I guess and kill him when he returns for summer break. Yes, I really mean it.

I have a good chat with Rayna, and asked her on how to deal with this kind of situation, and she said, I just need to accept it, since I can’t do anything too and things will be better sooner or later. When she said that, My brain was actually yelling. Yelling like “I can’t just take it like it had never happens” well something like that lah. But it was really hard to accept it.. Really hard.

Then come Shafiq carries his philosophy, Damn it, he gave me this drop dead wake up call :S The 1st thing he said was to put me in the “friend’s” shoe. So I did. Then he continues that people do stupid things and even worse. True too. And let him worry about his own life. Well i did reply Shaf by telling him I can’t because its just me, I care too much for my friends, and I was born like that I guess :S (Gosh Rayna your right I’m weird, hehe NOT!, lol). And just a moment after the convo with him, I realize that, and what Rayna also trying to say is, all I can do is to let it be; to accept and let him deal with his own problem alone. Its really hard to let go on the rope, because I can imagine the possibility whats coming ahead and yeah because I really wanted to kill him when he returns too. But eventually I have to let go too. Wait no, I still want to kill him for sure. sigh..

Finally Hamdi, gosh, he knows me well I guess. He also know with this kinda situation, I would eventually scold the “friend”. Damn his good~ haha I kinda hate it how he knows much my life system.

Things that really question me too is, Where are the rest of the friends to “save” and stop him from those senseless consumption? Where is his bestfriend, buddies, roommates who would technically took care and initially takes the responsibilities as to becomes his brother or sister there, to protect him from this outrageous doing? Wait, NO-NO, their not included to be blamed, Because its falls back to the individual’s strong temptation or the basic reason “peer pressure”.

Now, biologically his body has been tempered with the chemical substance, and because of that too, I shed few tears just to sleep, trying to accept it all and try admitting its not real like some kind of lies or dream, but failed. I have a list of friends that I really really love, care, honor, to be with and his one of them. My friends in UK is a legend to me, his not exceptional, but sorry to say this his the worst legend now. I mesmerize back to the past in college, when his time with his group and he achieve the great result which brought him to the UK. And the day where we, his friends and his relative hold our hand above our chest and set a pray “doa selamat” for him to be safe for his time there, and now, sadly, his the one who damage his own life. I’ll be seeing one of his relative soon when the semester start, I don’t know how I will deal and feel when I see her. Just months ago he also said to me he’ll be serious for his 2nd year, I hope he is serious in his education, but sadly his not serious in his life. And yeah Shafiq said “What she doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt” useful that quote :P Oyeah he adores her and basically he did that. sigh

“Ya Allah, save him and cover his sin for those people he love will always, remain to love him too.“

This is a sad symphony, and a sad symphony is a sad in the heart. I really love him as a friend, thus, this will become a myth, unless he wanted too publish it for the public, like in London month ago. Yes; its gay but sincere in heart. I will always be scare from now on, for what he will do next in the future, and now I think he would set a precocious not to share it to me no more lol over my anger and over reaction. I’m left with only pray, prayers for what should be prayed and hopefully, this phenomena will always remain history and not to be return. Dear friends, who knows this too, his not a fiasco, his just having fun, a test drive only. I also want a test drive to kill a rabbit, yeah something like that~

Last but not least, listen to Apologize from OneRepublic, without Timbaland featuring.. its kinda rock my current mood. the Violin and the piano and drums~ is wow.

“It’s too late to apologize…”

PS: I told you I was emotional person. :D and Shafiq was right, and thank you, I need to get a wife soon, I need to bring my life back too. So will 2008 be it? Will hope this is only the beginning of 2008. So let make the Drama back in my life! oh god this weight need to loose..

TENNIS IS BACK!! Nole (Novak’s Djokovic website has been updated) OLYMPIC IS SOON! I love the gymnastic part Because the jumping and twisting look like flying, and EURO2008! Damn, England is out, what should I support now?