I always wanted to continue or upgrade my study. I fall in love with education itself. I always wanted a PhD, even before I finished my Diploma in Primary Education in 2009. Fall in love on inspiring people through research and education. I fall in love with teaching and how to make it stronger and effective in the world of pedagogy. I guess, I fall in love with the lecturers I met back then in Universiti Brunei Darussalam.
7 years later. I’m still struggling to pursuit that dreams. I still have my Diploma. I’m not sure I can make the dream into a reality. Having that state of mind, it really breaks me apart few days ago. The in-service scholarship criteria set by the Public Service Department (JPA) and The Ministry of Education (MoE) to this current days are ‘very hard’.
Few years ago, I did applied for the in-service (LDP). Boy, did I fulfilled to their criteria. I fulfilled the minimum criteria such as the A levels, No. of years of service and the Teachers Performance Appraisal grade. Sadly it was rejected with reason of ‘Can’t be considered‘. I found it to be bias, unfair and injustice. Sadly, who am I to argue. Decision was final. Just no luck. With broken heart, I will never forgive.
Today, the criteria has changed. It has become impossible especially with the TPA grade to be at least grade A. So there you go, thank you dear rejects.
So, I have no option to fund myself in the future in order to continue my education journey. It’s not cheap.
Some moody days, I do feel like wishing to be a different person. Being very smart and intelligent. Having a rich parents. Praying better off having all the glitters rather than enduring this pain. Yet, my conscious tells me it’s wrong to wish all of them. It against the state of being grateful to God.
Funny, how ‘they‘ wanted you to be the best in work and continue to exploit your thinking and skills. Sadly, when you ask for rewards or appreciation to the work you have given so much it has never been pleasing.
The struggle of teaching in Temburong also became part of my challenge in pursuing the degree. Commuting, teaching and studying back and forth between Temburong district and the City with the tremendous tiredness and financial obligation that comes with it is just unbearable. I can’t imagine studying with that conditions. It’s inhuman and cruel.
I really wish to move back to the city and teach in the city. I belong to the City. I have many sacrifices, sadness and lost in my 7 years in Temburong. I really need to move on with my life, and hopefully I can take this one life to the next level. Live in the City so at night I can study full-time at some College. It will be on my expense. Please I hope they don’t keep me with my suffering.
I only have one life, why are you stopping me?